Sorry about that :/
We are so back (for at least this post.)
For a year there I was convinced that I could have almost all of it. I could have the stay-at-home-baby and the flashy career and the perfectly equal marriage. I would have to cut some things out, of course, but weekly pilates is better than none at all. I could just buy new clothes.
But after a year and a half of motherhood I have come to realize that my pre-baby-body aspirations were not the only thing I would be sacrificing in order to achieve my goals in the fields of family and finances. I would become a shitty friend.
My phone is currently sitting at 104 unread texts and while I’m certain at least 5% of them are Nancy Pelosi and another 10% are sales alerts, the vast majority are people trying to get in touch. The majority of that majority are people I would genuinely like to stay in contact with. Sometimes i’ll pin their messages to the top of my screen, begging myself to reply at some point. But I won’t until it’s too late.
Childfree people on the internet often lament about losing contact with a friend after having a baby. Early on in my motherhood journey I would see commentary like that and smugly think “couldn’t be me— I’ll always make time!” but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I will rarely make time because that time doesn’t exist.
I have a working theory that parents of small children can only maintain a maximum of 5 close friendships at any given time. I define this as people that you spend time with on a monthly basis at minimum. Sure you can have plenty more friendships than this, but they likely live on your phone (if you can manage.) Before having a child I was extremely social. I think it would be fair to say I had approximately 15 good friends I saw on a monthly basis. By this measure I have neglected 2/3 of my personal relationships over the last year. I do not feel great about this, but I don’t see it changing either.
When I think about who I have managed to maintain (and even grow) my friendships with, there are some clear patterns, and they aren’t what you may assume… I don’t have an abundance of mom friends (that aren’t LDR) and not everyone lives in close proximity.
Here are the main things:
The friends I have stayed close with are great at making plans far in advance. This includes things like attending concerts and plays, mostly.
They suggest dinner in my neighborhood after my son’s bedtime (but before mine…)
They respect my time (and the insanity of a baby’s schedule) and are sure to show up early or on time when we hangout. It’s REALLY hard to get a baby out of the house, consistent lateness is really burdensome.
“Let’s get together” sometime won’t result in anything, but “hey do you want to go do XYZ on [these 2 date options]” will usually result in concrete plans.
Some friends are really good about suggesting we do things that can include my kid, including visiting the children’s room before walking around the Met, having a picnic in the park, or coming over for wine and takeout while he naps.
Double dates can be really expensive. While I love doing things with my partner and our friends, that cannot be the only way we are seeing each other. The average babysitter in NYC costs $25 an hour. Sometimes we love doing this, but frequent couples outings are out of budget.
The people I have stayed closest to aren’t afraid to double, triple and quadruple text me until I respond. I am overwhelmed and this is extremely helpful for me as someone with ADHD and a baby.
The relationships that have meant the most to me over the past year and a half were typically with my childfree friends who make me feel like someone other than Sebastian’s mom. You do not have to be in the exact same phase of life in order to have a meaningful connection.
It’s not always the easiest being friends with moms with small children. They can be difficult to track down and sometimes downright unresponsive. Some friendships are just meant for a reason or a season, but if you’re aiming for a lifetime, it is possible with a little extra effort and flexibility. She’ll remember how you treated her during this time and she’ll always love you for it.
If you are part of someone’s 2/3, she’s booked and barely breathing. She wishes there were 30 hours in the day so you two could get dinner and catch up more than once a year. It’s nothing personal and she still loves you.
Mackenzie