Mack as Mom: Would I Recommend Parenthood?

A newsletter on motherhood

A previous version of this post included the wrong use of you’re. I am so embarrassed. Y’all are fake friends for not texting me about this.

A friend recently asked me if I thought I could have lived an equally happy life child-free. I absolutely believe I could have. You can’t miss what you don’t know, and prior to having Sebastian I was completely split on having children. At the same time, I also love being a mom more than I ever could have imagined.

Because of my open apprehension it isn’t uncommon for people to confide in me that they are unsure about having kids. As our world becomes increasingly hostile towards parents, it’s understandable why those who previously assumed they’d roll with the societal norm are now agonizing over the decision to reproduce.

The financial implications alone are clear— having children is a fiscally irresponsible choice in this day and age. It’s a huge career sacrifice. More women have left the workforce since 2020 than any other time in history. Childcare costs on average the price of a second apartment rental. I could go on and on about climate change. And yet— many of us still cannot shake the feeling that we want to start a family.

So after half a year with Sebastian, what would I say to those who are on the fence about having children?

If your only fear is that you don’t think you’ll be good at caretaking, then I would say that it really isn’t as hard as it looks. You are biologically hardwired to take care of small humans. You can handle it. It’s like the easiest babysitting job in the world, because you can usually read their mind. The difficult part is the duration. The lows are low. Sleep deprivation is no joke. But the highs are better than any drug you’ve ever taken. Have you ever heard a baby laugh when you kiss their belly?

What’s more important, in my opinion, is the makeup of your partnership/marriage. Does your spouse cook? Do they clean? Do they schedule vet appointments for your dog? Do you have to ask them to do these things, or are they a self-starter? If you’re already in a relationship where domestic duties are split, you’re likely set up for success in co-parenting. If you feel unsure about having children because you feel as though you’ll carry the brunt of the labor, your instinct is probably correct.

What does having children look like for you financially?

Despite building a waspy personal brand that involves bopping around New England in cashmere sweaters, my husband and I cannot afford full-time childcare. Recently I’ve learned that our situation isn’t as unique as I thought it was, and that a lot of parents are quietly working from home while splitting caretaking responsibilities. If your reaction to this is secondhand exhaust, that would be the correct response. This is why we will be raising an ~only child~.

However I would be remiss not to acknowledge the privileges I do have. Despite not having the extra 3k a month to put towards daycare, we are the recipients of an enormous amount of generosity. My mom has contributed to several date night babysitters! Our stroller and crib were purchased by grandparents. My sisters regularly send packages from Baby Gap. His (exorbitantly expensive) swim classes are taken care of by my dad. We were given so much for our baby shower that we did not have any startup costs for baby caring— including over a thousand dollars in food delivery gift cards. Consider your salaries and general expenses, but also keep in mind your village. Do you have family members that can watch your kid every-so-often? Is there an older child in your family whom will be passing down their wardrobe? There are many factors to consider.

Socially, what will a child mean for your life?

It could be a boost if you are joining a legion of friends with kids. That isn’t really the case for us. Most of our friends are child-free. We live in the city and each get two nights out per week. There are also people in our life who like to come over, order takeout and watch sports with us and the baby. I have plenty of girlfriends who want to take walks in the park with Sebastian and Sophie. We are absolutely not suffering socially, but a lot of that has to do with the structure of our marriage.

I would tell you to consider what you want your life to look like in 10, 20 and 30 years. Are you excited about the prospect of every stage of parenting? I’ve never been crazy about the idea of spending time with an infant, but I feel incredibly capable at the prospect of helping a 12 year old boy through middle school. The majority of your relationship with your child will be with them as an adult. To me this is far more exciting than the idea of going to soccer practice.

Ultimately, what is your primary motivation for having children? For me, it’s the chance to create magic for someone else. I am really looking forward to taking Sebastian on trips all over the world. I want to go wine tasting with him in Tuscany with his future spouse. Equally I want to take him to Chinatown in New York to have Taiyaki (soft serve icecream in a fish shaped cone.) I’ve already researched that you can begin attending Broadway plays at the age of four— so for that birthday i’m going to take him to the Lion King. I’m going to make sure he knows how to swim and that he spends his summers by the ocean. I have lived and plan to continue living an adventure-filled life, and I LOVE that I get to share and nurture Sebastian’s experiences with him.

If I didn’t find myself unexpectedly pregnant, I would probably still be agonizing over whether or not I wanted to start a family. I don’t think I needed Sebastian in order to feel fulfilled or happy, but I know that I am elated at the idea that it is my job to ensure that he is both of those things.