Over the last few years I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about friendship. Most of my career focus is on helping other people form meaningful relationships. Yet many times over the last decade I have asked myself if I am a friend worth having.
When I first found out I was pregnant, my first thought was “who is going to want to hangout with me now?” I had just moved back to New York where all of my friends were child-free and most unmarried.
When I lived in New York in my early twenties, my life largely revolved around work events (champagne and caviar— wildly) and bottomless brunch. I knew that the sequel would look different, but I didn’t expect a near-year sober era and I had no idea how that would impact my social life.
As it would turn out, my calendar thrived while pregnant. If someone had a non-drinking activity they wanted to do, I would be the first person they would invite. I went to the philharmonic, broadway, concerts, museums and more. I deepened so many friendships and was delighted at how much less I was spending when I went out to dinner.
A lot of people talk about postpartum loneliness and I have been lucky that this has not been my reality. My friends are still inviting me to do things and many of them are happy to eat takeout with me while I bounce Sebastian. It turns out that people in their thirties are more than happy to spend time with a baby, especially those who are not necessarily sold on parenthood themselves! My village is incredible. I don’t need anyone else.
However, I have learned that I actually do want to make parent friends. I want people I can meet up with in the spring with our babies to have a picnic with. I have people who I can text, but nobody I can stand next to at a playground.
But friendship is still a really touchy subject for me…
I’ve had four major friend breakups in my life, and three of them have happened over the last five years. As you can imagine, this has resulted in a bit of an internal crisis for me. I’ve asked myself so, so many times during this period if I am a friend worth having.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are four types of endings to a friendship. Let’s talk about them.